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wolfie
01 July 2006 @ 10:34 am
Leather cuffs around a wrist so fair,
Laying across a chest with no hair.
Curled up close, all soft and bound.
No cares, no worries, all safe and sound.

The masochist is bold,
The submissive is shy.
My whole body his toy;
My surrender inside.

The gates have been opened
And the die has been cast.
A warm place at his feet;
I’ve come home at long last.

Leather cuffs around a wrist so fair,
Laying across a chest with no hair.
I can’t say just why it is.
He doesn’t know it, yet I am his.
 
 
wolfie
08 June 2006 @ 07:01 am
The waterfall looked heavenly. I had no idea that one was to be had out here in the reaches of the Sumter National Forest. It was a hot day, hot and humid even by South Carolina standards. The forest had provided some shade and some cool relief from the blistering sun and that had been what I was seeking when I decided to take a trek through the forest. But this! This was a special treat.

The forest was not widely visited. It was really more of a preserve than anything touristy. It was quiet and peaceful and no one was about. The only things stirring other than me were birds and squirrels and an occasional fox. And knowing that, well, I felt rather brave. I approached the waterfall with a glint of deviltry in my eyes. The pool in front of it did not appear too deep, nor did it appear all that treacherous. The rocks looked smooth and the water looked oh so very inviting.

And I did what anybody would do in a situation like that… I stripped off my clothes and laid them on the grassy bank and then proceeded to wade into the water that while not cold, was utterly refreshing in the August southern heat. I waded in further and further and found to my delight, that it was a bit deeper than it had appeared and by the time that I had crossed almost to the other side, the side where the water fell in a beautiful cascade down the side of a rocky overhang, the water was tickling the undersides of my breasts.

I sunk down to my shoulders and then leaned back to wet my head, slicing the water from my face and down the length of my hair. I did that several times before I felt totally refreshed and desirous of exploration. And then I ambled up the smooth rocks, steadying my way with my hands, and crawled up beneath the waterfall.

It was much cooler there and I shivered a bit at the drastic change in temperature. The sound of the water crashing into the pool just a few feet below was nearly deafening. It completely masked the sounds of the forest behind it. It was spectacular. It really was. I stood there on the ledge staring out the blurry window the falling water presented and counted myself lucky and fortunate to have been given a glimpse of such beauty and wonder. I drew my hand beneath the fall and watched the water spray on and around it.

I turned around and looked at the smooth wall to my back. Water slid soundlessly down it in small almost sheet-like rivulets. I touched it and traced it and pressed my face against it. The water was even cooler there. I was like a child, carefree and innocent, enjoying a moment of stolen bliss where no one and nobody could find me or could hurt me. The smile on my face went far deeper than just my lips.

But my peace and tranquility was suddenly disturbed as a searing pain tore across my bare back. I gasped in shock and in pain. I instinctively went to turn around but was instead forced against the smooth rock. A presence, a presence much stronger than me pressed hard against me and held me fast. And it did not escape my notice that this hitherto unknown presence was as equally naked as I was. And the roaring waterfall that I had moments ago admired had masked the intruder’s arrival.

Warm breath, surprisingly sweet, wafted against my cheek and my neck. It came steady and strong, as the body felt beneath me. I could not see who it was that held me there. But the more I struggled, the more iron-like he did seem. My hands were wrested above my head. My palms were pressed flat against the glassy rock. Feet spread my legs apart with force… but not with undue haste.

My heart hammered within my chest. Fear made all sound get stuck within my throat. I stood there panting… caught between the very literal rock and a hard place and did not know what to do or what was going to happen.

My wrists were transferred to one hand… one large and strong hand that easily held both of mine. And his other hand? It drifted down my rip cage… with razor sharp nails, or dare I say, claws? They grazed my skin and I gulped. Here was a man that could kill me as soon as look at me. Why had I been so foolish as to undress and go skinny dipping?

And yet… there was an undercurrent of something indefinable coursing in the air. It almost seemed charged with some odd mixture of fear and reassurance. I couldn’t begin to describe it. The grazing of the nails along my skin was not painful. In fact, it was tinged with a bit of something else… something far less distasteful. Shame flooded me at those wayward thoughts. But that shame fled as those nails, claws, skimmed the quivering flesh of my hips.

It did not go unnoticed to me that his body was a hard, solid wall behind me… and I mean hard… all of it… hard. And he was in a very primal state. My mouth was dry. My chest felt tight. And I chided myself and scolded myself for reading too many of the Anita Blake werewolf/vampire stories. I was actually almost turned on, almost aroused, and I was about to be raped in a deserted forest!

My hands were then transferred from one of his hands to the other, and then his newly freed hand drifted down and grazed and raked my other side, up and down my rips, up and over and along my hip. I was trembling… and only a small portion of it remained from fear. My head, my brain, that I had once thought pretty sensible, was beginning to drift to that Darwinian world where the strongest and most fit survive and triumph. And that spoke to me. It really did.

Teeth bit into the tender flesh behind my ear… bit softly, and a bit of tongue lashed out to swirl a bit. If he were really a rapist, I would not have expected him to lavish any such tender ministrations on me. And yet he did. And continued to do so. Little nibbles and gentle suckling on my neck… my nape… along the tops of my shoulders. And at one point, the little nibble turned into a firm bite. It didn’t break the skin, but it must have come close. And that little bit of pain sent me spiraling out of control.

Which he sensed and took advantage of. He turned into half beast-half man then, pulling me away from the wall and turning me around. His arms clamped around me and his mouth descended… teeth bared, and he devoured my neck. He used his body to rub up against and along mine. His hips ground into my hips and his erection bore down into my belly. He was no longer gentle. But I no longer cared… I had no use for gentle. I wanted … this… raw, primal, and elemental male standing before me. His eyes glowed with some inner fire… a fire of passion, of strength, of sheer force of will. And my will evaporated beneath his smoldering stare.

Somewhere along the way, he released my arms and began to rake my body with his nails and I felt some of my skin give way beneath them. I felt red streaks pop out along my flesh and wouldn’t have been surprised to see some dots of my blood welling up had I looked. I thrashed beneath him and instinctively bared my neck. He was the primal force that I had been waiting for my whole life and I responded in kind… baring my neck… letting him know that he could use me as he wished, that I was vulnerable before him… that I was his conquest and as the victor, to him go the spoils.

His tongue swirled along my jugular, tracing it up and down. His hands continued to claw and squeeze my flesh…wherever they touched, whatever they encountered. His hips kept grinding suggestively into mine. He was hard. He was hot. He was male. And he was conquering me and I was docile before him. My body moved and churned against him in impatience. My body wanted to be bested. It wanted to be possessed. And it wanted him to do it.

His breath was hot against my neck… his tongue had disappeared into his mouth and it was now his teeth that traced the line of my neck, that nibbled at the vein pulsing with my lifeblood. The movements of his mouth were oddly calm and gentle and slow and unhurried… so unlike the movements of the rest of his body, which were wild and untamed and which were building such a fire within me that I thought for sure I would burn out of control.

And then I felt his teeth sink into the flesh at the base of my neck… not a gentle pressure at all… but a sharp jab and in the same moment, I felt the sharp, insistent jab of his cock as it slid down my belly and pressed up between my legs. It was no longer teasing. It was no longer being coy. It wanted in and it was not going to be denied…

And it wasn’t. It thrust upward with a force that sent me slamming backwards into the wall. His mouth was still at my throat… his hands like vises at my sides… and he impaled me on his sheath. I could feel his pulse deep within my body. My body fought to control the tremors that racked it. He withdrew and thrust again… and again and again. I was spinning out of control…I was falling over the edge into the abyss.

His mouth tore away from my neck and his lips locked with mine. His tongue swept in and took possession of my mouth and all the while his hips kept up an incessant rhythm that was older than time itself. It spoke eloquently of male possession, triumph, conquer. It spoke of all things that girls like me should never want to experience…but something that I had always longed to… total domination. Total. And that is what it was.

Claws ripped at my skin. Hips ground into mine. Teeth and tongue commanded my mouth. My world was down to just him and his primeval force. I breathed him in. His spicy male scent was all that I could smell. The image of his burning gaze blazed across my mind. I wanted him deeper… deeper… into the inner sanctum that contained all of my secrets. Closer and closer and deeper and deeper did I wish him. I wanted no part of my soul untouched. And it wasn’t. He swept in with force and mastery and took me captive.

The waterfall roared behind me. The blood roared in my ears. He roared within my body. It was almost too much to bear. And then he bit down hard on my neck, pressed me harshly against the rock wall. His nails dug into my side and his thrusting increased as the pressure within me increased… and increased… and grew until the roaring in my ears overwhelmed me… the roaring in my body overwhelmed me. And then the tempest broke… I was flooded… with sensations… with the primal essence that was him…

In a blink, he was gone and I was falling to the hard rock of the waterfall’s ledge. Had I dreamt it all? Had it really happened?

I rose on trembling legs and looked down upon my body and saw nothing of what just had transpired… nothing. Not a mark, not a scratch… nothing. And I felt sad. In desperation, I scrambled back down into the pool and looked wildly around and… saw nothing. There was no trace of my phantom lover… not a single one. Just my clothes neatly folded on the bank…right where I left them. Not a single clue about the one who had just claimed me. Oh, the sadness gripped me. To be so ruthless plundered and conquered and then abandoned. To have achieved that fullness that knows no words, just to be left there with the knowledge of my deepest needs and no way to fulfill them.

Driving back home, I felt despondent. My heart was heavy and I felt empty and bereft. And that feeling continued as I undressed for bed and laid my head on the pillow that night. It was a surprisingly cool evening and I had left the window open hoping to get a gentle breeze to soothe my skin. And just as I started to drift off into a fitful slumber, on the breeze was carried the sound of a lone wolf howling at the moon.

I smiled and thought back to earlier in the day… to the waterfall… to him. As I sunk down into that place of dreams, lulled by the wolf’s call… I felt a warm stickiness slowly slide down my inner thighs. His scent came to me… all male… all hot… all hungry… and it was then… that I knew it had not been a dream after all and that he was still with me… ever with me and that he would come for me again. To triumph. To conquer. To vanquish. And to possess.
 
 
wolfie
07 June 2006 @ 06:27 pm
I've never liked that term... Never. I never considered myself a masochist...Never. I might have joked about having masochistic tendencies... but that was it. I was never serious...Never.

And yet...

Or shall I say, but?

Everyone knew that I was a masochist except for me. How did that happen? How did my friends know and not me? How did my previous Dominant know, but I did not? How could I really enjoy the things I enjoy and still not call myself what I am, in fact? I refused to see it or acknowledge it. I, instead, simply chalked it up to my need to submit. I would do anything for the right Dominant... anything. Well, ok, we all have limits, but you get where I'm going with this. My taking the pain, my enjoyment of the pain, all stemmed from my desire to serve and please. And that's where I left it. I conveniently forgot or just simply didn't account for the times when I engaged in self-bdsm. Because lets face it... it wasn't that enjoyable to me. It just took the edge off and it allowed me to fantasize about submitting.

And then...

And then...

A Dominant came into my life... a Dominant with more than a touch of sadism. Oh, he's not "my" Dominant. I do not belong to him. Yes, in many ways, I wish I did. But we're just exploring right now. And we've had some wonderful times... some really wonderful moments. I'm trying to just see where things head. But my desire to wholly submit to him grows with each passing day and I fear constantly that he'll figure it out and take that step back...and leave me with nothing once more. It's so much easier for me to hand over my body than to hand over my submission and this is one scary journey on many levels...because I long to submit to him. And in so many ways, I do... even beyond the scene or the moment. Never have I been so relaxed and free to just be...me... with anyone else before. I have never felt this kind of acceptance for who I am and I think that is why my true natures are being revealed... especially to myself.

All of those little masochistic tendencies that I kept in a little box with the words "Break in case of submission"... well, they just jumped right out and once they got into the light of day, they just didn't want to go back into the box. And they are emerging and really expressing themselves. Is it because he's a sadist and I just long to serve him and please him and that pleasing a sadist means that I'm allowed, nay, even wanted to be a masochist? Or is it just that for the first time, I'm accepted as me? Who's to really say.

But what made me sit up and take notice? A picture. A picture of my ass red and totally beaten the hell out of. The scene that did it to me did not make me admit that I was a masochist. Oh no... not that. But I kept opening the picture up and going gaga over it. And as we sometimes do when we're excited, I showed it to some of my friends. I just got excited all over again by seeing this pic of my fanny. And one of my friends said, "You little masochist, you!" And I was deadly serious when I said, "Oh, I'm not a masochist."

And that led to a little discussion. Did I enjoy what caused the marks? Duh. Yes. Did I adore looking at the damage. Duh again. Hell yes. Did I orgasm while it was being done. Oh yes, many times over. And then it was like a truck hit me. I was not a masochist... or was I? Was I? And I would pose the question, "Would you consider me a masochist?" to my other friends. And I kept getting the same answer. "Yes." Over and over again, I got that answer. And with each "Yes" I got, I got more and more frenzied over it. I just couldn't be a masochist. I was a submissive... and I just submitted to that.

And then I spent another weekend with that Dominant. And I knew that it was going to be more intense and more extreme than it had in the past. And I felt like it would be proven once and for all. And somehow, somewhere along the way, during the course of the weekend, I forgot what I was setting out to prove. Because, remember, he makes it OK to be me. He really does. And all of those worries and cares about terminology just leave my head and I exist as I am and I so very much enjoy it.

And I'll post what I wrote about the second of those nights together at a later date. He had me write it up afterwards and send it to him as an assignment of sorts. And it will be easier to just repost that here than to try to write it again. But let's just say that he has done things with me and to me that have been on my limits list for a long time. And you know what? There was never any discussion about them. They happened. And I loved each and every one. And I never even questioned any of it. I just lived in the moment and whatever preconceived limits I had were... well, they were no more. I had no idea of what I was capable of. And I still don't.

But the truth is undeniable. I am a masochist. I am a submissive. They are tied together because they are both parts of who I am. I don't like the masochist part, but I can't, in good truth, deny it. I just can't. I'm logical and rational and if everyone else can see it, then I'm just being stupid for denying it.

I am a masochist... and somehow, I have to find a way to be ok with it... because it's not going to change. It's part of who I am.
 
 
wolfie
07 June 2006 @ 06:18 pm
I'm not...lol. But that's me. Like it or lump it. But I have a lot to write about that I just can't write about anywhere else... so, I guess you're gonna have to deal with me writing a bunch of stuff here in the next few weeks. I have a lot to get off of my chest.

I hope that everyone is well and that fate is smiling on you :)
 
 
wolfie
20 February 2006 @ 02:08 pm
She Who Served No One

She knelt beside her bed and closed her eyes. A few deep breaths and her back straightened and her knees gently eased open. Her head was bowed and her face slack with peace. She visualized someone in the bed, his hand dangling over the side, half in invitation, half in a silent command to stay. She felt her arousal grow even as peace claimed her. She waited there, kneeling and breathing softly. She waited there.

After a fashion, she opened her eyes and blinked against the morning sun pouring through the blinds in her bedroom. She rose and heard her knees pop and crackle as she stretched herself out to stand upright. It was not her favorite position, but the day had dawned and there were things she must do. She removed the supple leather cuffs circling her ankles and her wrists. She removed the short silky night shirt the color of midnight and dropped it in the hamper. She lightly fingered the silver rings adorning her labia and stepped into the shower. Another day had sprung. Another day of pretending, of waiting, of hoping.

She dressed as she thought might please him… him, this imaginary figure of her dreams. She donned a lacy pink thong and a matching bra that had rhinestone accents in cleverly located places designed to draw the eye. Sheer white thigh highs she eased up her legs. She paused a moment to feel the silkiness of the hose over her legs imagining it was his hands admiring her so. A while slip was eased up over her hips and a pink dress was draped over her head. Finally, she stepped into white pumps.

She brushed our her long hair, fluffing her bangs in an attractive way and then pulled the luscious mass of soft hair back from her face with a matching pink ribbon. Ear rings were next; simple diamond studs in the upper of two holes and a simple pearl drop was added in the lower. She didn’t worry about a necklace. A gold band already encircled her neck, just as it had for the last few months. She thought it made her neck look quite delicate and very feminine. She always loved how it caught and reflected the light.

She clasped a simple gold watch around her left wrist and slid on a gold pearl ring on one hand and a likewise simple pink sapphire ring on the other. It matched her pink nail polish quite well and complimented the color of the dress nicely. A small heart shaped lock on her dresser drew her eyes next and she fingered it in quiet reflection. Sighing, unable to resist the allure, she picked it up and hiked up the hem of her dress. She eased down the slip and the hose and also her panties. The rings twinkled in anticipation. And yes, she placed the lock through each of the rings and smiled when the lock clicked shut.

She righted her clothing, smoothing the dress back into place and then picked up some make up. She was allergic to it and it had very adverse reactions to her skin, but she wanted to please him today and the pain it would cause for a few days was worth it today. Lightly she applied it to her features, accenting them, not hiding them. She stepped back from the mirror and dimpled cutely. Yes, he, the he of her dreams, would have been pleased, she thought… and she hoped. She was the picture of femininity and grace.

And then it was off to work she went… into a land dominated by men, dominated by men who, today at least, would treat her as she was, a lovely young woman. She would be flirted with, she knew. And she knew that at least one of those who would turn his attentions in her direction would repulse her and send tendrils of angst along her skin. But she told herself it was worth it. He… the he of her dreams, would appreciate the effort. And that he would be pleased.

And so she went about her day. She ignored the itchy, tight skin of her face as it rebelled against the make up. She tried to ignore the lecherous glances of the coworker who so upset her. She did her best to avoid him as much as possible. And she imagined that the he of her dreams would be rather annoyed at the other man’s rude leers. She imagined that the he of her dreams would care and would be happy that she put herself in such a position. Oh, she could imagine.

And when lunch rolled around, she went out to her car and relaxed a bit. She thought about the he of her dreams and she allowed herself to be caught up in him. She felt herself open up to him in all ways. She felt her body respond to opening up to him. She felt happy and peaceful and warm and tingly. She was his… and she thought of the rings secured with the lock and smiled. Yes, she was ever his.

But it was back to work much too soon. The day dragged on. The pumps hurt her feet by the days end, but she would just think about how happy the he of her dreams would be in seeing her so dolled up. And that made it all worthwhile. She was his and she should look the part. He should always be pleased with her appearance. She wanted him to be pleased, both pleased and proud when his gaze rested on her.

But as all days do, it finally ended and she headed home. When she got in the door, she kicked off her shoes and went straight to the bedroom. She disrobed down to just her pink lacy thong. She then added the supple leather cuffs to her ankles and her wrist and flexed her feet a bit against the fatigue of the long day. And then it was to the cage she went.

She crawled inside and curled up behind the thin bars. She snuggled into the pillows mounded there so she could lie there in some semblance of comfort. And for a short time, she was transported again… and she was gazing through the bars of her cage at the he of her dreams. His eyes moved over her skin and she felt warm where his gaze touched. She longed to get out of the cage and go to him, but her time had not yet arrived. She longed to rest her head on his knee and to feel his hand in her hair. But her time had not yet come. She longed to curl up at his feet and to rest her head on the toes of his shoes. But her time had not yet come.

But eventually it did come, and she emerged from the cage to look about… and to realize that the he of her dreams was not there… that he was just that… of her dreams. And there was no one there to be pleased with her efforts of the day. There was no one there for whom she could kneel and look up at with adoring eyes. There was no one there that cared about the lewd comments and stares of some of the men at the office. There was no one there to admire the heart twinkling between her thighs. There was no one there.

And she… who served no one… raged and mourned silently, sometimes giving into tears, other times giving into rueful sadness until the clocked indicated it was time to go to bed. And she knelt beside the bed again, closed her eyes and saw him lying there… the he of her dreams, waiting for her to join him, in the only realm he ever really existed… her dreams.
 
 
Current Mood: morose
 
 
wolfie
09 February 2006 @ 03:01 pm
Life is generally ok. Work is a bit rough. I kinda got a promotion thing. But I am beginning to think it's a punishment :(

I am now the new VoIP Phone System administrator... sounds good, doesn't it? Except nobody knows anything about this phone system... We didn't get everything we were supposed to. The administration interface is not user friendly.. .it is not easy. I'm at a huge disadvantage. I'm in way over my head and my brain is fried by the time I go home every night.

On the flip side, I am trying to write again. It's not my best work, but at least it is giving my brain a little bit of relaxation ... and I so desperately need it.

I hope that life is good where you are and that you know that I'm thinking of you all.

Yours,
wolfie
 
 
wolfie
17 January 2006 @ 01:38 pm
Ugh... I am not feeling that well today. Work has been a bear since the return from New Year's. I knew the quiet spell was just a short lived thing, but dang... why did it have to dissipate completely and suddenly? Why couldn't it have ramped back up slowly and give me time to adjust?

The weather down here has been ridiculously warm this winter. Our average temp for January is supposed to be 52, but this month it has been well into the 60s... very few days below 60 since Christmas. I keep thinking that winter will show up... but so far, it hasn't wanted to. Not that I am complaining, mind you, I hate winter. But this is causing havoc with my sinuses and leads me to my problem today. :(

But American Idol starts tonight and then after it's over, I'm going to take my over tired butt to bed... if the storms don't cause me sleeplessness, of course. If you know me, you know how terrified thunderstorms make me. I have a cage now, but even that doesn't ease it all.. how could it?

Oh well... I hope everyone is having a good week :)
 
 
Current Mood: sleepy
 
 
wolfie
10 January 2006 @ 10:01 am
I have had a very rough two years. It really started that year of BondCon which is what? 3 years ago this spring, no? My grandmother, my mom's mother, died that weekend. Sam and I broke up afterwards. I started up with Draven a few months later. Welllll.... how to put this all in a timeline? My mother's back when out and she was put out of work in the spring of 2003, too. She was depressed with no money coming in and no mother...who, by the way, used to live with her. I started spending weekends over at her house to keep her company. Now, fast forward a few months, I went out to see Draven that summer and by that winter, mom was in even rockier shape with the holidays coming. She was also scheduled for major back surgery and spinal fusion and all kinds of stuff that didn't end up working too well. She was also dead broke.

Now we are in 2004. Things with Draven and I weren't going well. And they hadn't been since a month or two after I visited him. Mom had surgery and was still out of work. We hit the 1yr anniversary of Nana's death. Mom files bankruptcy that winter...she is still out of work. I am carrying a huge burden at this point...trying to help out financially, getting into financial straits myself. Trying to be everything to everybody. Draven and I are having more fights than anything else. By December of 2004, there is almost nothing left of our relationship at all. I have given him an ultimatum.

Now, in 2005... I am plumb wore out. The only thing holding me together is being part of the Journey of the Ways. I have lost touch with everyone. I am isolated and very much alone. In february, mom tries to go back to work. But she is back out again in April. She has nerve damage and too much degeneration. She begins the process to claim disability. She is incredibly depressed...incredibly. In May, I give Draven the final ultimatum. By my birthday or I'm out of there...permanently. We are nothing but friends and haven't been for a very long time. There really is nothing in my life except taking care of mom and the message board that I love so much. D/s hasn't been in my life for over a year. BDSM hasn't been either. Dad files bankruptcy. I break up with Draven a week before my birthday. I just couldn't handle it any more. He still believed that it was just a time out, that we'd get back together again, but I knew the truth and tried to tell him. He wasn't listening. Mom's depression builds and hits a huge high and she attempts suicide a week before her birthday in August. She almost dies. She is committed to a mental facility. My sister comes to town and we all try to be supportive of one another, but fighting, of course, ensues. Dad is devasted. We are devasted. An awful, awful time. Mom comes home 3 weeks later... she's been diagnosed as bi-polar and the back meds were causing it to go way off the charts and led to the deep depression. Whew.... lots happened in 2005. I start trying to reconnect with friends in the fall. It's a long slow process. Hard to adjust to being alone. Being single. So much stuff was difficult. There were times I simply couldn't process anything more. I had no one to unload with...no comfort for myself...constantly being strong for everybody else. I wanted off the ride myself. But life begins to renew itself by November. Mom has stabilized. Draven has finally heard and understood that we can only be friends. He's not happy about it, but we can still talk. I am slowly reaching out to friends and learning how to manage my time. And there are decisions that I would make differently if things were different in my life. But I have to make the best choices I can for myself at this time.

What do I mean? Oh, well around thanksgiving time, I entered into a trainer/mentor relationship with a male dominant friend I have. A long time friend and there will never be anything permanent or anything more than this. It's D/s only. There's no BDSM either. That part stinks...LOL. But it is not a romantic relationship. He's really just helping me with the emotional parts... helping me realize things about myself. You see... I've never really submitted. That's what I'm realizing. I was just playing the game... never allowing anyone to get too close. And the dominants that I was with... well, let's just say that they weren't really focused on getting true submission... more like obedience. Anywho, so that made December really rough for me emotionally... really tough. I had to face some things about myself that I wasn't comfortable with and that I didn't like much. But you know what? I actually feel better about myself as a person. And if that's the end product... then this will have been worth it. So, at least until someone comes along who is free to be with me and who wants to be with me... then this is what I'm doing and what I'm learning from. Some days I am happy about it, some days I am not. I've never had one of these relationships that weren't romantic... so, this puts a whole new slant on things. And it was a rather hard adjustment...how to give your all and your everything without falling in love or going down that road, if that makes sense. But the separation of BDSM from D/s is definitely a help there.

Soooo... what does that mean for 2006? I don't know nuthin anymore...LOL. But life is getting back to normal. It really is. Finally, after a few tough years, things are calming down. And I am grateful for that. The little mentor thing I got going on is keeping me from going out either to bars for a quick lay or to the chat rooms and becoming a horrid little troll. I guess that is good... *smirk*. How long it lasts depends on a few different things... when I find someone I want to pursue a relationship with, or I go as far as he can take me with the mental/emotional aspects of submission. I've never been formally trained. He has trained and mentored Dominants and submissives for 15 years or so. He knows what he's doing. He said he is thinking it will take me about a year. But we shall see. 2 months gone of that year already.

But that is where I am and what has happened the last couple of years. This year I turn 35 and I can only hope that it will be a really great one for me... maybe I'll even get lucky and finally meet or re-meet Mr. Right. But only God knows that.

Know that if you are reading this, that I care for you deeply and the lack of my presence the last 2-3 years has not been because I didn't want to keep in touch. I just couldn't... in many ways, I just couldn't do any more than what I was doing.

God bless, buckle up and bye, ya'll,
wolfie
 
 
Current Mood: busy
 
 
wolfie
09 January 2006 @ 08:17 pm
LOLOL... but I doubt it. I occasionally remember this is here...but I am losing touch with friends and this appears to be the best place to keep up with them.

And I'm going to try to be better...I will. I miss you all so much and don't want to keep drifting away into never never land.

But I just don't have much time tonight... I'll try to do an entry a week...how's that? :)
 
 
wolfie
03 August 2004 @ 05:59 pm
LOL...seriously, I did. It's been a rough year, truly it has been. And I completely forget this was here. It's just another thing to keep track of and I haven't been doing a good job of keeping track of much these days.

However, and the good news is, that mom is finally back to work. Yay! For those of you who don't know...she's had a very bad back and has been out of work for two weeks shy of a year. She had back surgery, spinal fusion, and now, thanks to a few rods in her spine, a bone graft, she is walking without the sharp pains in her legs that made her walk stooped over. She is not a hundred percent. In fact, she's going back to work under the Americans with Disabilities Act, but she's doing much better. And for that, I am very grateful.

Much of my time, during the last year plus, has been devoted to spending the weekends with her and helping her through this past year. At times, yes, it has felt like a burden, and at times, it has felt like a great blessing. Mom, her sister (my aunt) and I have all bonded and have shared some wonderful times together. God has a reason for everything, I reckon. And I'm sure he had a reason for this, too.

Let's see...what else is going on in my world...I'm still with Draven, almost 16 months and we're still alive and kicking...thought barely, at times...LOL. Naw, in all seriousness, we're doing ok. We've had rough patches, the same as everybody else. We were supposed to be living together by now, but Mom's back came up and I just couldn't move nearly 3,000 miles away with her down and out. I just couldn't. So, now that she's on the mend, it's time to start thinking about moving, once again. At the rate I'm going here, I could be over on the west coast by the time I post an entry again! *chuckles*

My lovable doggie, Misty, is doing well. She's a bit on the shorn side of things. I took off her heavy coat of hair to help her with the summer heat and I think she is rather thankful for that. But since I cut her fur off, she's been as frisky as a puppy...hehehehe...silly doggie.

My writing has stalled this past year as well. I've simply had too much on my mind to really get in the swing of writing. I sit down in front of my laptop and nothing comes to mind. I just draw a total blank. But I'm working on it. I hope to be over this soon.

The rest of my time has been filled with moderating a D/s board on the ezboard system called The Journey of the Ways. It's full of wonderful people all living this crazy lifestyle that I lead. It has been the one thing that has kept me sane this past year. It has given me a purpose out side of caring for Mom and being the "dutiful" daughter. But I do enjoy it.

At any rate...that's the short and skinny of it...I reckon now that I remember this place exists, I'll do better about keeping it updated. But, I can't make any guarantees! *wink wink*

I hope all is well with all of ya'll!

Talk to ya soon,
wolfie
 
 
wolfie
07 December 2002 @ 01:46 pm
Okie. It's time to get things started I think. I have a good friend who pointed me in this direction. Now that I'm hear, what am I to do??? That's a great question. I doth believe that I will be using this to track my attempt at writing a novel. I hope that in time, the attempt will become a success. We will see how it goes. But for now, we are in the plotting out stage with a good bit of a first chapter/prologue done. And I'm quite content with it actually.

What's it about? Well, its set in Pompeii, a month, two or more before the eruption of Mount Vesuvius which destroyed the fair city. The inspiration of the story came from the skeletal remains of a man and his very young slave girl. Well, I am going to write a novel from the slave girls perspective. I will be tweaking the age of the girl a bit, from the estimated 15 to 18. I am not keen on pedophiles using any novel of mine to get their rocks off. No way! Anyway, that's the back ground. I will probably keep some of those entries private, but will post blurbs here and there and definitely notes on my progress.

So, here's to my success in this...and to yours, who ever you are, wherever you are and whatever you're doing!!!

Ciao!
 
 
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